in need of a hero

I was sitting in my weapons room last night, thinking about everything that has been happening lately. The dances, the famous pumpkin patch, the rump fest, the elf fest, and of course Gulliver and the meat cleaver. For me, life is all about grabbing life and cutting life into pieces, and putting life into my mouth and chewing, and washing life down with a large glass of shiraz from the nineties. But lately, things have been so hectic, I’ve had to cut down on the shiraz and stop chewing. In fact, I would say that I have bee choking on life lately! It’s true! For example, last week I was at a muffin party for my friend Rufus Wainwright, and we were hanging out or whatever, baking muffins with surprises in them, and Rufus was all, “Dogman, no, don’t put chocolate chips in these muffins, let’s put in these magical berries from my dream garden.” And I was all, “No Rufus, no shirt, no shoes, no service.” Fighting with Rufus is sort of like fighting with that chimp that mauled that lady. Dogman becomes that chimp with ol’ Rufus.

I really miss my time in Japan. I miss my best friend over there, Mu Yu. Mu Yu is really a great friend, one time she made me a dish of Wild Silver Squid Bean Soup, a dish that has its roots deep in the jungle of Japan. The Japanese are, of course, known for their great rapping skills. My favorite rapper in Japan is Jay-Wi-Wa, he is a force to be reckoned with. His last album, “Silver Squid Bitches”, shot to number one in Japan after hefty Internet hype. I interviewed Jay-Wi-Wa for a piece in “Japs” magazine. Here’s an excerpt.

Dogman: So, Jay, you must be really excited about the new album

Jay: 私はパンダくまを愛する party!

Dogman: I heard you are collaborating with Lil Jeezy Money Baby in the near future?

Jay: 私のズボンの party time!

Dogman: OK, Proust questionnaire time jay, you know I had to do it. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Jay: ドイツ人党時間を殺しなさい dong!

There you have it. Those Japanese! Talk about a laugh riot!