back in the house

April 20, 2010

Have you ever been to a unicorn auction? how can you bid on magic?




July 5, 2009

last night, i was plenty sauced after drinking half a bottle of OJ. went to the party near the docks, got into a fight with the captain of the ship, ol’ longhorn. i wanted to say “longhorn, let’s work it out,” but instead i let my fists do the talkin’. and talk they did- threw longhorn to the north shore, into a teacup where he still lies. dead as dirt.

breeze story.

June 2, 2009

did an eight ball last night. got in a dancing mood


lost my marbles on the way to the barn.


April 23, 2009

the virgins are my favorite band. because i’m deaf! and i enjoy lead singers who looked like they got punched in the face! and a guitarists who looks like a 15 year old girl! and another dude who is clearly from new jersey. suck on that, virgins. i also hate xiu xiu. don’t even get me started on those hams.

free dogverse

April 23, 2009

the sky is yellow at the top of the hour. jorge posada has eaten all the grapes. there’s no epiphany to have, because mel ott is dead and gone, just like the cold rocks under my paws. i met frank sinatra in a dream last night. he was hangin’ with my friend helio. elian gonzales was there too. he must be around 20 by now. times do change when your sitting idle, waggin’ your tail. i thought about eating a pork chop, but instead i held on tight and let go. then, i read ESPN the magazine and danced a quiet samba. fourteen years with no gyro? this isn’t iceland give me lamb and let’s break bread. susie q. is still in the basement, talking to cymbeline, she’s yelling at phylicia rashad, saying “the slings out outrageous cheesecakes fight the music of the forgotten!” and we’re all sitting on the pot.

barnyard blues

April 16, 2009

holly crap muffin! met m.night shamalyanvida last night. talk about coolest scary guy ever! he was all like, “hey dogman, i want you to be in my new film. it’s called ‘hippo 500′” i’ve gotten a lot of film offers before, no big deal. in the film, i have to perform random acts of kindness. with squirrels! i guess it’s for earth days.

tough times at school today. went to a dance with my friend helio. talk about dancing shoes! wowser holy mackeral chutes and ladders!

i’m thinking about moving to cheeseburgertown. i heard there’s a lot of beefcakes there.

ate a muffin today. wow, overrated.

what’s the deal with kate winslet? i’d take a huge crap on her. and those eyebrows!!!!

crackhouse pudding

April 12, 2009

watched saturday night live last night. talk about rotten! the writers on that show need to stop drinking pbr the whole week and get down to writing some new sketches! dogman is getting sick of seeing the same skits all the time. “jon bovi?” more like “shittiest idea ever!” crackers! and what’s the deal with will forte? ok, dogman gets it, you have a funy singing voice and you play old people. way to go, now get away from my television! i just want two hours of bill hader impressions, keenan reviving the goodburger, and the hot girl abby elliot talking about shampoo. that’s it! of course, dogman doesn’t have much of a say in things snl-related these days, ever since i got kicked out of the show two years ago. i was in the audience for a show with the rock as the host. i mainly went to check out the rock’s muscular moves, but quickly ran into trouble. i get to my seat, and this page (her name was deborah finklestein if anyone knows her) says, “excuse me…sir…dog…you cannot be here. no dogs allowed.”

and it’s bag enough i had already spent twenty dollars on a bottle of vodka already, you know? now i’m getting hit with this “no dogs allowed” bomb. so i look at her name tag, and i say “look, debbie, you got some nerve telling me there’s no dogs aloud, especially considering will ferrel used to be a cast member, and multiple dog-related rappers have appeared on this program.” i had hit her with the fastball, and little debbie ran away to mama.

unfortunately, mama was a security guard who shot me in the foot.


April 11, 2009

i love prussia! and the dodo bird! i also love kate winslet’s acting career! what do those three things have in common? they all no longer exist! bam! today i went to the grocery store and tried to buy some avocados, but i ran into a bit of trouble. my old nemises bill bigtree was there, in aisle 5. aisle 5 is made up of mostly soups and machine guns, so i tend to stay away. but when i saw him, an unbridled anger started a brewin’. bigtree and i used to friends in the day, but one night the friendship was terminated. we were playing pool, and i asked to be excused so i could hump the couch, and billy bigtree had the nerve to say, “no dogman, either we finish this game or i am the champ. or you can s my d. got it?” now, when he said i could “s” his “d”, i thought at first he was talking about socializing with his dad, but it turns out he was referring to the thing that emile hirsch does in that one scene in “milk”. yup, wein sucking. once i realized what bigtree meant, i took the pool stick and swung at him. of course, it is difficult for me to get a good grip because i don’t have retractable thumbs, but given my circumstances i still managed to get in a good hit. bigtree lunged after me, but i ducked quickly and made a quick turn to hit his eyes with my tail. bigtree was slightly dizzy after that, and so i quickly grabbed a whiskey bottle (with my tail), and hit him over the head! i went on the run away, out of the state. this was over 453 years ago, so i figured bygones would be bygones.

not the case! bigtree saw me and immediately started running towards me, convenientlygrabbing a machine gun from the shelf. i quickly grabbed a peach, putting the ball back in his court. he grabbed a can of chicken soup, putting the pressure on yours truly. i found a block of provolone cheese, intimidating ol’ bigtree. he grabbed a bag of frozen shrimp, i countered by getting a hold of a box of cookies. by this point, we both had are hands full. i remember thinking why bigtree didn’t just shoot me with the machine gun in the first place. i guess when you’re in the moment it is less about logic and more about abundance. it’s sort of like lady friends with huge boobies who can’t even finish the monday crossword puzzle. anyways, bigtree shouted “Dogman ! jeg vil få deg ! du er den verst ! ”

i had forgotten that bigtree was dutch. darn it! what was i going to do? i quickly went online and asked bigtree to repeat his sentence, trying to type accurately as he screamed. then the translation popped up…i will eat your tail!!!!!!!

this was not good. this was bad. i ran and ran and ran, past old faded dreams, past where we anybod ought to be. that dutch bastard just kept up the whole time, yelling phrases that made little sense to me, because i only speak english and dog. finally i lost him. i think.


April 9, 2009

what’s been going on with dogman? why the lack of blog entries?

well, talk about a story! have you ever seen homeward bound? the movie with the dogs and the travels to utopia? it has been kind of like that, except with more oranges and guns. I was in mexico (or “me-he-ho” for those without tongues), and got into quite a bit of trouble. i used to be an informant, selling mexico’s secretes to the United States in exchange for chicken bones and christmas ornaments. a few higher-ups in the mexican government know my true identity, but to many, I am still known as “perro hombre”, the low-key, benevolent, half human/ half dog fella that was always up for a drink with friends, or some humping. I had to go back to mexico to settle some business with my friend helio. however, when I got to mexico (one paw after the other), I realized that helio was a made up friend. so there i was, alone in mexico, thinking of kate winslet’s eyebrows. I eventually found a telephone and called pepe chiquita, my old roomate. pepe doesn’t know that i was an informant for the united states, which is a good thing because he hates america so much he once made a poop party on my only copy of bruce springsteen’s “born in the usa” . what a faggot!

anyways, i learned an important lesson being back in mexico. never fuck a goat.

bean sprout

March 21, 2009

Four times three is what?! No way, string bean man! And while we are on the subject, how about your 401 K? Are you crazy? Who are you, Tony Kornheiser?! Pardon the interruption, but you are barking up the wrong Mambo tree! Sure, sure, trust the elephant, that’s a great idea…but at the end of the day, it’s just gonna be you and your Spanish wizard, and you’ll be held accountable. I can’t be held accountable! She was touching her face! And I was wagging my tale a mile a minute!