bean sprout

Four times three is what?! No way, string bean man! And while we are on the subject, how about your 401 K? Are you crazy? Who are you, Tony Kornheiser?! Pardon the interruption, but you are barking up the wrong Mambo tree! Sure, sure, trust the elephant, that’s a great idea…but at the end of the day, it’s just gonna be you and your Spanish wizard, and you’ll be held accountable. I can’t be held accountable! She was touching her face! And I was wagging my tale a mile a minute!

whatever happened to cheese?

There’s a new rapper on the hip hop drift called the Dream. One recent article described him as having a “doughy” face. Hilarious! I talked to the Dream about his budding career, celebrities he’s worked with, and the square root of a pickle. Here’s an excerpt from the 24-part interview:

Dogman: Hi The Dream! So good of you to come by the doghouse!

The Dream: What the fuck you talking about, bitch?

Dogman: Actually I am a male, so…yeah, your whole argument sort of…flies out the window.

The Dream: Brooklyn.

Dogman: Right. So, can you tell us a little about your dough face?

The Dream: You serious?! I am going to shoot you.

Dogman: Um…brooklyn?

The Dream: OK, we cool.

Dogman: So no comment about your pudgy, dough-like face?
The Dream then shot me in the leg and I limped back home. What a fella!

Speaking of fellas, what’s the deal with Yosemite? Enough already! Half-Dome?! Finish the damn job!!! Find Dogman a national park where they swallow and you will find one happy Dogman.

in need of a hero

I was sitting in my weapons room last night, thinking about everything that has been happening lately. The dances, the famous pumpkin patch, the rump fest, the elf fest, and of course Gulliver and the meat cleaver. For me, life is all about grabbing life and cutting life into pieces, and putting life into my mouth and chewing, and washing life down with a large glass of shiraz from the nineties. But lately, things have been so hectic, I’ve had to cut down on the shiraz and stop chewing. In fact, I would say that I have bee choking on life lately! It’s true! For example, last week I was at a muffin party for my friend Rufus Wainwright, and we were hanging out or whatever, baking muffins with surprises in them, and Rufus was all, “Dogman, no, don’t put chocolate chips in these muffins, let’s put in these magical berries from my dream garden.” And I was all, “No Rufus, no shirt, no shoes, no service.” Fighting with Rufus is sort of like fighting with that chimp that mauled that lady. Dogman becomes that chimp with ol’ Rufus.

I really miss my time in Japan. I miss my best friend over there, Mu Yu. Mu Yu is really a great friend, one time she made me a dish of Wild Silver Squid Bean Soup, a dish that has its roots deep in the jungle of Japan. The Japanese are, of course, known for their great rapping skills. My favorite rapper in Japan is Jay-Wi-Wa, he is a force to be reckoned with. His last album, “Silver Squid Bitches”, shot to number one in Japan after hefty Internet hype. I interviewed Jay-Wi-Wa for a piece in “Japs” magazine. Here’s an excerpt.

Dogman: So, Jay, you must be really excited about the new album

Jay: 私はパンダくまを愛する party!

Dogman: I heard you are collaborating with Lil Jeezy Money Baby in the near future?

Jay: 私のズボンの party time!

Dogman: OK, Proust questionnaire time jay, you know I had to do it. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Jay: ドイツ人党時間を殺しなさい dong!

There you have it. Those Japanese! Talk about a laugh riot!

mister rump

Went to a rump party tonight. I’m a little tipsy. tipsy twirly, good times fun for all! at the rump party, I saw my old friend Shirley Hugecan, she grabbed my tail the minute she saw me! We played frisbee for awhile, then got to talking about recent fiasco with the elfs, Hugecan was laughing with such passion! Shirley really hates elfs, she used to date a elf, this guy Lawerence Tinywiener, and their relationship ended on quite a sour note. One night, Tinywiener got home late, smelling of whiskey and cookies, and Shirley just lost it! She started yelling, “Lawerence, I am sick of this! You are never around! All you care about is beans and horse racing, and you are so fucking small! Dammit!” Shirley told me how she picked up Lawerence Tinywiener and literally threw him out the window. As we talked, I thought to myself when was the last time I had heard such a vivid description of defenestration? Then I remembered how every night I go to bed and dream about throwing Kate Winslet’s eyebrows out a window! Just kidding guys. I’m officially squashing the Kate Winslet/ Dogman beef. It’s been squashed. Anyways, me and Shirley Hugecan ended up taking a dip in the hot tub and having a sexy party dance time bone dog bean party.

rabble rousers

so, i went to the elf festival this afternoon. talk about being short-changed!

Lordy, lordy, look who’s 40

Surprise! It’s bean season, so there’s parties all the time around here! I went to a shindig in Normandy yesterday! John Frankfurt was there, had on his big hat as usual, what a hat! I said, “Hey Frankfurt, love the hat!”, and he was all, “Thanks Dogman, I love your moody blues.” It was a strange moment between Frankfurt and I, but what can you do when you’re in the middle of a war! Later on we had a wonderful dinner that consisted of beans and more beans.

At the end of the night, I asked Mary Peachtree was her deal was. She kissed me goodnight and we had a happy dance in my pants!

late night shamrock party

I went to a festive party tonight near Old Numskuller Alley, at my friend Mel’s house. Janey Newhouse was there, my old high school crush. In high school, I got  a lot of jokes thrown my way because of the nature of Dogman, but since then I’ve learned many tricks to talk to attractive lady honey damsels.

Rule number one, always keep the conversation going. One time, I was talking to this girl Theodora, and she was all “Dogman, do you understand what we are doing in math? It was very difficult.” And I was all, “Yeah, it’s hard.” And for a few seconds Theodora and I just stared at each other. Talk about awkward! Plus I had a huge erection, so that didn’t help! You want to know how I would act differently now that I’m learned in the ways of ladies? First, I would have kept the conversation going! Second, I would have worn really tight underwear to hide my bone dog.

Rule number two, always impress the ladies with a dance. This is a good way to break the ice. I usually do the samba. One time I stated my samba routine for a lady named Holga at the Anne Frank Museum. Talk about awkward! It didn’t help that I was tripping on mushrooms and had just recited an entire poem by Lorca in Spanish I learned from Helio, my made up friend! Luckily, Holga was a hooker, so she didn’t run away or anything.

At Mel’s house, we ate bread pudding. Gross!

haters and fir

Don’t let the haters get you down. Dogman deals with a lot of haters, from the lobbyists to people from New Jersey to Bratislava to Kate Winslet, but in the end, it comes down to knowing your worth. For example, my mother was sold at the pet store for 800 dollars, so I must be worth at least that. So when I get letters from the country of Bratislava being all, “Hey Dogman, what’s your deal? What do you stand for? What the crap?”, I have to just take a deep breath and lay down some truth bombs.

Number one, it’s true that I bark sometimes. Get over it. Number two, there’s been a lot of chatter from Bratislava, a hater I know, and how Dogman isn’t legitimate. Let me just put it out there. I exist. Dogman is real so start believing. Unless, of course, you are a malevolent hornblower from Russia with a hot sister. Then, I guess I don’t exist.

The snow is still falling here in cheese town. I’m wondering it will ever stop! If it keeps snowing like this, the town could be in real danger of losing its bean supply. We might have to call Warren Farmtree and get a new 201K report!

snow day

Oh, Billy Bob Thorton must have answered my prayers! It’s a snow day! What happiness it brings Dogman to frolic in the snow, free of responsibilities! There was a riot outside the house this morning. The group is called “The Rumblerisers”, and were protesting the snow. One sign read “No Snow! No Apple Pie! No Snow! Republicans must die!” Those rumblerisers are really quite a mean group of skiers.

Anyways, my friend Helio Pueblas called me when the snow day was announced, and he was overjoyed. He was all, “Dogman, we have a snowday! Nosotros podemos bailar en la casa, con queso y barbosa”, and I was all, “Si.” Our conversations are always so enjoyable, especially considering Helio has a wooden leg and I made him up in my head.

Will I go sledding today? Yeah, sure guys, Dogman will go sledding the same time Dogman starts to be friends with cats, and Helio comes to life. Please! Sledding is for basket cases and daffodil monasteries. Jeez! Dogman is going to do two things with his snow day- watch Sean Penn movies and hump the sofa.

claro que si!

numbers game

I was at the bar with this gopher, Mel Oppenheimer, and we were talking about the economy as usual. All Mel ever wants to talk about is the economy. He’s all, “You know, Dogman, this new stimulus probably won’t do much, but it certainly reflects the strength of government in this country.” And I’m just thinking to myself, wow, this gopher really cares about the economy. I mean, really! Jeez!  It would be different if he had voted in the last election, or for that matter, if he was a human, but being a gopher I got to take everything he says with a grain of salt. Anyways, we got kicked out of the bar pretty quickly because they have a strict “no critters” policy. And so, we’re walking in the park, and he’s still talking about the economy, and I end up getting upset, because if there’s one thing Dogman is apathetic about, it’s the Oscars. But right after that, it’s the economy. Who cares? Guy like Mel really frustrate me. They really do, I just want to drink my beer and relax, and then you get people like Mel. Fucking gophers.